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Saturday, September 13, 2003

two steps forward, one step back

It's spring here, but feels like autumn. A merciless wind has been raging for two days now, buffeting the trees, the cars, the houses... my nerves. It's still blowing now, and it looks like tonight I will sleep on edge - at best - again.
It doesn't matter which of the two seasons it is anyway: both spring and autumn are the inbetween ones, the times of change. They fill me with an intense restless energy, which I sadly don't really get to use productively. But change...
Let's get straight to it: I've never believed in stable identities - or at least not that it's a good thing. We can't help who we ARE, and therefore it has always seemed unfair to me to be judged on that. I've always much preferred thinking of people in terms of what they'd LIKE to be - given the further proviso that they actually TRY to be those things. Now I know how this all goes right against all the traditional virtues of sincerity, honesty and the like, but I've arrived at a pretty bleak view of what people really are. I mean, I don't FEEL nice or polite all the time, but I do like to think that even when I don't FEEL like it, I try to FAKE it as convincingly as possible: because that's what I'd like to be.
Or, at least, that's the way it used to be. And then, yesterday, with the frantic wind disarranging everything, I was listening to The Smiths, and I suddenly realised I had become "The boy with the thorn in his side" - I still have the desire for love, but it's turned murderous, and been covered up with a veneer (even if ever so thin) of hatred.
I've become HARD - or at least, harder than I'd ever thought I would be. And I don't want to be anymore. I've always tried to be soft - used to be I could get hurt and shrug it off. Then I got hurt once too often, and for too long, and I drew into a hard shell like like a snail's eyes if you touch them.
I was shamed to read the FOTH tag to Rachel's last mail - about going on even when it seems you can't: because you're a hero.
I wanted to be "so naive [to] believe there's love in everyone and everything" even if I occasionally reach a sorry end. I "want to love and I want to care" even if the girls think it's so square.
And that starts... tonight.
Goodnight, and love to all

Posted by JohaN